my thoughts

My name is Larissa Schuster and I have been incarcerated for 17 years as of July 2020. During this time, I have had many opportunities to reflect upon my life; my actions, reactions and the choices I made that led me to prison serving a Life Without the Possibility of Parole (LWOP) sentence. As a little girl, I grew up living on a farm in the rural Mid-West, isolated from kids my age and only interacting with them at school. At an early age, my two brothers and I were expected to work on our family farm in the fields and be responsible for livestock (cattle, hogs & chickens). My father was absent much of the time and when he was around, he was verbally and physically abusive. I felt lonely, unloved, shame, fear, and rejected. I learned to stuff my feelings and not express emotions. As I got older, I learned to be a people-pleaser and engaged in unhealthy relationships to satisfy my need “to be loved.” I believed sex meant love, and subsequently settled for my husband, Tim, thinking I wasn’t worthy of anyone else. After graduating from college (University of Missouri-Columbia, B.S. Biochemistry), material things and money became my focus. I wanted a lot of things I never had growing up; new cars, a big house, to be important, to have a career and to be noticed. As a result, I became proud, greedy, angry, critical, manipulative, selfish and resentful. I was unfaithful to my husband, became a liar and planned the murder of my husband of 19 years. Deep down, I was unhappy, detached from my emotions, and in denial as I made every attempt to hide my true self to everyone.

A few years ago, I could have never described myself as I have in the previous paragraph. When I finally came out of denial and accepted responsibility for the murder of Tim, I was hit with the stark realization of the far-reaching impact my actions had on my family, friends and community. Today, I can see and admit to myself and others who I was in the past, and the person who I have become. From the moment I arrived in prison, I wasted no time in trying to discover what I needed to work on within myself to become a better woman. I have attended many self-help groups and have learned so much about my inner-most self. Not only have I learnt a lot, I am applying these new tools and skills to my daily life. I have served as an executive panel member in ILTAG Groups, facilitated self-help groups both inside and outside of the Honor Dorm, been a resident in the Honor Dorm since 2008, participated in a variety of community events including suicide prevention, breast cancer, HIV awareness, worked fund-raising sales, participated in the Puppy Program, and focused on my spiritual growth drawing nearer to God. I have served my community in various ways, e.g. Comfort Care Hospice Volunteer, Prayer and Music Team for Chapel, Gifted Hands Crochet Project, tutor for Math, member of KAIROS spiritual organization, Victim’s Awareness Events, Honor Dorm Events and major supporter of the self-help program in the Honor Dorm, and a member of Community Choir (Caroling & Gospel Fest).

I take full responsibility for the murder of my husband, Tim. The horrible decisions and actions I made have destroyed and affected the lives of many people, including my own. I had no right to end his life. At the beginning of my prison journey, I called upon the Lord to be my personal Savior. Although as a child and young woman I loved to go to church, I didn’t know what a personal relationship with Jesus ‘looked like.’ Because of my faith and my determination, I discovered I was loved, worthy, and blessed with gifts Jesus gave me to help and inspire others. I have become a woman who is humble, selfless, loving, honest, trustworthy and values life. I have taken past hurts and traumas and learned from them, and I help others by using what I have learned from my own experiences.

I accept the fact that I had anger issues that grew into resentment and extreme rage. Today, I know I can choose how to respond, not react, to situations. I practice many times daily in prison how to use my coping skills to deal with confrontation and volatile situations. I also admit I chose unhealthy relationships all throughout my life; abusive father, boyfriends, husband, and manipulative girlfriends. I am better equipped today in recognizing a bad relationship quicker, exit them faster, and move on. Through my group therapy sessions, I have learned to make connections of anger, fear, shame and loneliness back to my childhood events and reoccurring patterns throughout my adult life.

I will turn 60 years old this October, and I continue to seek other ways to “give back” to my community and for self-improvement, learning and growth to make myself a better woman who will be a contributing member to society. For instance, I am currently in the TUMI (The Urban Ministry Institute) and a Peer Health Education Mentor where I assist the Medical Department and Public Health Nurse in the presentation of PREA (Prison Rape Elimination Act) and the Women’s Health Initiative program. I am a trained Comfort Care/Hospice volunteer who visits the infirmed ladies in our prison nursing facility and sit “end-of-life” vigils so no one dies alone here. I have attended a weekly, intense therapy group for lifers facilitated by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, for the past 6 years to identify and work on deep-rooted issues such as fear, loneliness, anger, shame and guilt and making connections childhood events to adulthood practices. Also, I am currently in training to become a certified drug and alcohol counselor through the Offender Mentor Certification Program (OMCP). In going through this program, I first must work further on my own healing so that I may assist others in this prison achieve healing/rehabilitation, as well as people on the ‘outside’ once I parole to contribute and give back to my community in a manner that is desperately needed to discourage others from choosing a life of crime. In everything I do, I do it to honor my husband Tim, who loved being a Registered Nurse and Nurse Manager where he could help other people heal both physically and mentally.

Thanks to the rehabilitative opportunities CDCR has given me, I feel I could be employable and a positive contributor to society if I were commuted and given a chance to go before BPH and earn parole. There are several areas of work I could qualify for. For example:

1. As a trained PREA Peer Educator, I could become a PREA auditor/trainer for Just Detention International;
2. As an OMCP Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor, I could work in drug treatment programs helping those with addictions and addictive behavior;
3. As a trained Hospice volunteer, I could become certified in palliative care and work as an End Of Life Doula;
4. With my advanced computer skills and knowledge of Microsoft programs, I could work as a secretary/typist for a variety of companies or firms;
5. As a degreed Biochemist, I could consult in my area of expertise and work in quality assurance with companies regulated by EPA and/or FDA;
6. I desire to go back to college for a Ph.D. in Math where I could teach high school or college math, a much-needed subject;
7. When I complete TUMI (4-year program; The Urban Ministry Institute), I could work in ministry leadership and contribute as a grief counselor for those dealing with loss (as a Comfort Care Volunteer, I am trained in grief).

As an LWOP, I have never given up hope, or thought that my life was over and that I have no family here in this area, they all live out-of-state. However, I have support from my Mother, Father, Brother, Daughter, Son and friends. In fact, I just became eligible for the first time and had a family visit on August 15-17, 2019 that was an amazing experience and opportunity for family reunification. I am extremely grateful to the Administration at CCWF for allowing me this unforgettable opportunity.

I live each day with the realization that I am responsible for the heinous and gruesome murder of my husband Tim. I robbed my children of having a father, my grandchildren of having a grandfather, and his family of having a son, brother, & uncle. And although I don’t deserve to get out of prison for Tim’s death, I am not the same women today that I was in the past. I am praying that I will be granted a commutation and for a chance to earn my way out so I can help other women avoid the horrible choices I have made. I plan to devote the rest of my life to help women make better choices in their lives.